My wife and children decided to intervene. Apparently, a person cannot survive on a vegetable garden alone — who would have thought? So they kindly suggested a trip to the forest and dragged me, kicking and screaming, into the great outdoors.

Not just any great outdoors! This was a first-class — let’s leave Dad to fend for himself — location. Tall trees, a suspiciously loud stream, and countless ankle traps disguised as charming little rocks.

They also informed me that there were special field rules!

• No checking the soil pH.
• Drink coffee without limits.
• Take photos with excessive enthusiasm.

For one terrifying moment, I realized. This was clearly a survival test! Had they watched too much Bear Grylls without me? I could already see them blindfolding me and whispering — the tribe has made its decision!

But I survived! Thanks to the skills I had developed over years of watching survival shows!

• I did not fall into the deceptively shallow stream.
• I resisted the temptation to lick tree resin.
• I found my way back to the parking lot.

If paradise includes mosquitoes and children asking every 90 seconds — are we there yet? — then I was definitely in paradise! I saw bears busy with their bear business, wolves looking at everyone with superiority, and wild boars living their best lives.

One thing was certain — there was zero chance I would accidentally start composting there. Pure family time!

We came back with:

• pine cones for art projects,
• blurry photos of absolutely nothing,
• our dignity mostly intact.

In the evening, we sat at the table, happy after our wild adventure, and played cards. It felt a little like a zombie apocalypse had happened, then something else had come along and gotten rid of all the zombies, leaving only me and my family behind. When you do not live in the forest every day, these short family walks can feel surprisingly surreal. It would not be difficult to pretend that we were the only people left in the world!

But let’s return to the main question — do I really think everything happens for a reason?

Yes. I think everything happens for a reason. However, this particular story has nothing to do with that. I simply wrote about our trip because my heroic struggle for survival in the wilderness deserves to be documented and remembered!

I still feel a little disappointed that I never got to lick the resin.